I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee in my hand, thinking about the lecture I ditched because I couldn't bear the fact of spending just as much time getting to-and-from school as the lecture lasted. I guess that's a bit of a sucky attitude. Normally I'm all for going to school and learning new stuff, but lately I've just felt, well, to put it bluntly: "Blah!".
I tried to make myself feel better about staying home by telling myself that I'd use the time to start studying for my phonology exam (which is in two weeks and two days). So far, I've been doing everything but. I spent an unusual amount of time eating. Then I "had to" take a few pictures of the new snow that fell while I was sleeping. After that I "had to" transfer the pictures to my pc. Etc, etc, "yadda, yadda, yadda" and "all that jazz!". I've been trying to figure out exactly why I can't make myself study for this exam, but I can't come up with any good reasons (which only makes me feel worse). Maybe it's just that I like wallowing in self-pity... Or more plausible, because there are so many things to be done that I feel disabled. Ever feel like that? I want to make a list of everything that needs to be done, but I think I'll spare you my long-windedness.
On top of the list that keeps growing every day, someone else I knew died this weekend (this is sort of becoming the blog of death and despair, isn't it?). It was a guy who went in my little brothers' class. We lived out in the country when we were going to school, so "everyone knew everyone". I used to hang out a bit with my little brother and his friends on the soccer field, and this guy was one of the guys my brother hung out with the most. Anyway, you're probably wondering how he died? He went to an afterparty and got stabbed to death. When I first heard about the accident I thought, "that's awfull! But it's probably not anyone I know". Then I heard that the victim was from the little place where we lived and was told his name. It was like someone knocked the wind out of me. I couldn't really believe it. I mean, what's the chance? I feel awful and I've been wondering even more about life after death. I'm agnostic, so people can tell me that "this and this" happens when you die, but unless they have proof I have trouble believing it. I've been wondering if maybe it's better to believe in some kind of life after death just to comfort ones' self, but at the same time I'm terrified of the thought. What if there is some kind of judgement? Can I really say that I've lived a good enough life? I have no clue, but that's perhaps another reason why I feel so down for the time-being.
Anyway, I just wanted to get that off my chest. My coffee cup is empty and studying awaits (if I can manage to make myself study). Cheers!
