Day 31, Ramblings About Everything and Nothing

I know it's been a while since I last posted. The inspiration to write hasn't exactly been at it's peak lately. Seeing as today is the 31st (!) day I'm in Zambia, I decided I should at least attempt to put something down on "paper". 

There have been a lot of things going through my head the past few days. Among them the fact that this week has gone by so quickly. It seems like only a second ago I was turning my alarm clock off on Monday to start getting ready for yet another day of school. In reality it has been almost a week since then.... In that week I've had quite a few English lessons, as well as 2 hours of Home Economics. I've seen both good things and not-as-good things in those lessons. I've made myself and the pupils laugh, and perhaps even bored them at times. I've learned more about myself as a teacher and as a person. What I've learned has really made me wonder about how life will reveal it'self further. I've talked to our coordination head on skype, and wondered how other people acctually view me. Am I overbearing? Irritating? "Sweet and quiet"? Way too talkative? And when I begin to wonder about that two thoughts arise: 1. Does it really matter what other people think? and 2. If what other people think is important: How can I change to make myself more likable? I hate the fact that in order to be liked people often times change who they really are, and hide behind a facade of what they think people want them to be. How can you live a good life, and be able to say you're content, if you're constantly hiding behind a mask? I've questioned myself as to if I am truly acting as me, or if I'm hiding behind something fake. At this point in time I think I can say that I'm totally myself with no inhibitions. I guess another reason for my questioning how things will end up in the future.... 

Yesterday was our last day at Nansanzu and I have to say my nerves almost made me sick. I was nervous about leaving a good last impression, being able to teach the kids something and being able to say that I truthfully would miss both the co-workers I've had and my pupils. In a way I'm really glad to be done, because as I've come to realize this means the end of all normal practicle teaching until I get a job. Next year I'll be taking over a school and won't have teachers looking over my shoulder, or telling me what I have to teach in each period/get through in the course of a week. In other words I'll be on my own next year. At the same time I was sad to have to say goodbye to my co-workers and pupils. I don't think I really said a proper, proper goodbye yesterday because I knew I will see them this week sometime (before I leave on Saturday). I guess that also puts a damper on exactly how much I'll miss them because, "hey, I'm going to see them agian". 

Other than that we also had a malaria scare this week. My companion got really sick and had a fever which totally knocked her out on Thursday. I felt awful because I couldn't do anything to make her feel better. It was also awful because I hated seeing her so reduced (she's always so full of energy and bubbly). I ended up just trying to give her some quiet time so she could sleep. I spent the good part of 2 hours drawing stoneage hand tools for one of the teachers at school (after the teachers found out I can draw they came to me for drawings they needed for class, "the go-to art guy/girl"). When I was finished I called our taxi driver and asked him to help me find some books I wanted to buy for the school. While we were driving we talked about my companions' condition, and he told me I should make sure she drank enough and call him to take her to hospital, if her fever got worse and her head started hurting. I asked her if she had a headache when I got back, because I had a suspicion she did. She told me she didn't, so I believed her. The day after I found out she had a quite nasty headache the day before. Our teachers were able to convince her to go to the hospital to find out if it was malaria. So after school we went. I was thinking all the while about how stupid it would be if she had gotten malaria only a few days before she was to go home. I could only imagine what a terrible trip that would have been. I have to admit I was also thinking, "If it is malaria I really hope I've not gotten it too". Luckily the doctors test came back negative. No malaria, just an infection which would be cured after 5 days on antibiotics. Phew! 

Seeing as my companion is leaving tomorrow I've also been thinking a lot about what I'm going to do while I'm here alone. I've reprieved myself on several occations for booking an extra week in Livingstone without having a clear plan.... I've made a list of things I want to do/need to do, but it doesn't seem to help. I can't allow myself to feel totally happy about taking a weeks vacation here, and in the act playing hooky from school for three days. I'm also wondering how I'll cope being totally alone here. I can imagine it will get a bit lonely (even though I'm always meeting new people here). My head is starting to hurt just by trying to wrap my head around all the things running around in my head about being all alone for the very first time in my life. I'm sure things will go perfectly well, but there's always a question mark. And what will happen once I get home. I was used to living a slow life before all this. Now I find myself bored after less than a day without any action. It's a bit funny because people often think of Africa as this slow-moving place where next-to-nothing happens. In a way I guess that's true (African time, etc), but in another way there's always something unexpected happening. Either its people running around in the streets blowing vuzulas, being able to pet and lie next to cheetahs, someone you don't know saying hi and stopping to chat with you, or something as simple as the taxi driver not being on time (which again makes you late for work). Maybe I come from a world which is too structured in a way. Don't get me wrong, I really love and miss Norway, but maybe structure and habit is a killer of being able to live life to it's fullest. Maybe it would be better if we stepped outside our comfort zones every once in a while and did something reckless and spontanious? Of course, you then have to ask yourself if it's easier to say than to do? To each his own I guess....